Dear Mr. Priebus,
As you know, 2012 was a disappointing year for Republicans. Our presidential nominee lost to a historically weak incumbent, failing to make inroads into key voting blocs, including browns, blacks, greens, olive greens, reds, yellows, single women, death row inmates, atheists, narcissists, journalists, second cousins, raised pinky drinkers, and furries. In addition, Republican U.S. Senate candidates in Missouri and Indiana faltered during their campaigns, uttering moral truths unbearable to virgin ears.
It is encouraging to see you and other great GOP thinkers like Karl Rove moving away from divisive talk of principles and instead pandering to people’s fantasies of themselves. Outreach to voters on the infinity of their differences is the path to electoral victory in a powder keg (contra melting pot) America. There is, however, one key demographic I fear you have overlooked, one that is essential to the party’s future success.
I’m talking about alcoholics.
There are 12 million alcoholics in America, spread across all 50 states. Since alcoholics live in a booze-induced fog that impedes critical thinking and rational thought, securing their support is not difficult. But so far both Republicans and Democrats have ignored them.
I suggest we change that, starting today. Some of our strategies can be implemented immediately. For example, writing into the GOP platform a pledge not to repeal the 21st Amendment, which ended prohibition, is a straightforward, easy way to let alcoholics know Republicans are on their side. We also can provide alcoholics with free transportation to the polls on election day, alleviating fears of causing injury to themselves and others in exercising their civic duty to vote.
Building a pro-alcoholic brand will take time. Despite their jaded stupor, alcoholics are not stupid. They want to know what Republicans will do for them. There are a number of policies to pursue. Overturning bans on alcohol sales in so-called “dry” counties will require true grassroots organization. Uptight puritans who object to reintroducing alcohol to businesses and schools will have to be fought tooth and nail at the local level. Republicans who champion these causes will be highly visible in the alcoholic community.
Perhaps the biggest challenge of all is cultural. We must distance the GOP from the irrational stigma of alcoholism—or, as we should start calling it, sobrietism. Medical studies have shown alcoholism is a bona fide disease, impossible to overcome by treatment, will, or faith. Nothing short of acceptance of alcoholics as they are will suffice. Since alcohol is a necessary element of alcoholics’ condition, they have as much right to accommodation from society as do the disabled and the transgendered.
The GOP’s failures in 2012 taught us conservative victory lies in shameless appeals to the relative truths that cloud reality. If we write off the alcoholic vote, we will lose again, and we will be remembered in history books as the sober party.
With 2016 just around the corner, there is no time to waste. So I am requesting $10 million in starting funds for the National Association for the Advancement of Drunk People, or NAADP. This money will go towards establishing offices in the swing states of Ohio, Colorado, and Virginia, as well as towards the drafting of a more detailed platform. Oh, and beer, too. Lots and lots of beer. Outreach does parch the throat something awful.
I trust you to do the right thing, Mr. Priebus. Say hi to Karl for me.