Saturday, August 17, 2013

5 reasons you should move to California

  1. The moving truck is cheap.

    How affordable is it to move to California? Consider this: Renting a 14-foot U-Haul truck in San Francisco en route to San Antonio, Texas, costs $1,883. The same truck rental going in the opposite direction costs just $616, saving you over $1,200. Cha-ching!

    If you’re single and make $40,000 a year, that’s enough to cover your California income tax bill for the first year of residence.

  2. Your children can pick their gender.

    California doesn’t want you or your kids to have to live up to the gendered expectations of an outdated heteronormative patriarchy. To that end, Gov. Jerry Brown has signed a law that allows public school students to use the facilities of their choosing.

    If your pubescent son decides one day he’s a girl “on the inside,” by golly, he has the right to use the girls’ bathroom and the girls’ locker room! If that makes anyone uncomfortable, they need to check their premises. No bullying or intimidation tactics in the service of traditional moral distinctions are tolerated in California.

    Further reading: “Will to gender.”

  3. The delta smelt.

    Thousands of agriculture jobs in California’s Central Valley have been sacrificed to preserve this gorgeous endangered species for your enjoyment.

  4. High-speed trains.

    Well, maybe not “high-speed” trains, but they’ll go faster than trains used to go. At a discounted $68 billion, you’ll be able to forgo the convenience of having your own ride while visiting premier destinations such as Bakersfield(!) and Escondido(!!).

    That is, if wildfires, earthquakes, and municipal bankruptcies don’t push back the 2029 target for service to start on some segments.

  5. Phil Mickelson won’t be there.

    The insufferable millionaire/golf legend/father of three/all-around “nice guy” hinted in January that he was considering leaving California.

    Good riddance. Everyone knows the future isn’t built on rich white guys’ job-creating investments. It’s built on one-fourth of the state living in poverty and hosting one-third of the country’s welfare recipients.

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