Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I’m gayer than Jason Collins

Since public confessions of sexual identity are in vogue these days, let me announce that I’m gayer than Jason Collins. You read that right. I’m gayer than Jason Collins, and I’m not embarrassed to say so.

I’ve never considered myself gay, but Jason Collins’ coming out has me rethinking my sexual identity. The empirical evidence points to one conclusion: I’m gayer than Jason Collins.

I do not base this conclusion on murky definitions of sexual orientation, attraction, and so on. I will rely solely on documented sexual experience.

Collins was in an 8-year heterosexual relationship with a hot blonde. I haven’t been in an 8-month heterosexual relationship, let alone with a hot blonde. Collins was engaged to marry this woman. I haven’t even proposed marriage to a woman.

Contrary to his reputation as the gay athlete, Collins is not reported to have been in a homosexual relationship. Neither have I, although I have shown affection towards men, most recently when I slapped a male coworker on the shoulder in greetings this morning. And, as a member of the tennis team in high school, I have been seen in the nude by more men than women.

These facts may challenge whether Jason Collins really is gay. Indeed they may challenge your notion of what “gay” even means. Don’t worry about it. All you need to know is that the unique history of Collins’ sexual experience, behavior, and attraction—the complexities of which he himself may not comprehend—is perfectly condensed into a fully understood sexual identity in a single, simple, 3-letter word: gay.

Furthermore, you needn’t worry whether Collins’ implicit announcement of sexual availability to his male teammates will affect the locker room in unforeseen ways. The sexual discipline of heterosexual male athletes is beyond question. Only a bigot would suggest otherwise. Dalliances never occur among ostensibly “straight” men, even when they shower naked together.

Then again, who among them can claim to be straight, if they are as gay as I am?

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