Friday, December 28, 2012

Letter to a prospective gun owner

Dear Mr. Dooley,

Our background check reveals you are unfit to own a weapon. Your application for a gun license is thereby denied.

The Bureau weighed several factors in your case to reach this conclusion. First, your political activity reveals treasonous intent. Since 2004, the year you were first eligible to vote, you have not once voted for a Democratic candidate. In 2009, you attended a violent rally outside the Capitol and openly called your congressman a liar. In 2012, you signed a petition to repeal marriage equality in Maryland. Unable to cope with progress, you moved from Maryland to Texas, a state infamous for its fierce provincialism and claims to secession.

Second, in your social media posts you acknowledge a love for your fellow man, but a contempt for America’s laws and the patriots who enforce them. These laws were duly passed by a sincere, benevolent government, elected by the people, for the people. True love would be to respect your fellow man’s decisions, not to romanticize a less evolved state of mind.

Finally, the strength and number of your associations betray an independent lifestyle, leaving you subject to unregulated, malicious forces. Reading, hiking, sports, friendly get-togethers, and chatting up women are not efficient habits for a 21st century man. Your recent affiliation with a church is most troubling. The church curricula, consisting of “The Bible”, is full of anecdotes reveling in racism, heteronormativity, and exclusivity. Throughout this questionable text runs the theme of “God’s law” superseding the government and giving individuals a moral imprimatur for disobedience. The risk of you taking such a message seriously was a main factor in our decision.

In short, Mr. Dooley, the government exists for your protection. Disobeying it makes you a danger to yourself and your neighbors. The Bureau fears your owning a weapon will heighten that danger.

Clinging to the vestiges of an outmoded past, rife with inequality and bigotry, is to condemn oneself to isolation in our modern age. However, we have not lost hope for you. Upon denying your request, we registered you with local authorities who are eager to train you in the principles of true progress and equality. Expect a personal visit within 3 to 7 days of receiving this notice. In preparation for your visit, read the attached pamphlets instructing you how to participate in and take advantage of American democracy. As a fully recognized member of the body politic, you will join us in the boundless future. Together we will reverse man’s sordid history and liberate his flawed relationship with nature.

Once you are fully engaged in this collective project, you will enjoy enormous benefits, the likes of which you see today...

  • Zero-Interest Loans
  • Minimum Wage
  • Unemployment Insurance
  • Free Daycare
  • Medicare
  • Social Security

And more! This is only the beginning, though. We look FORWARD to making contact with you. :-D

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Department of Homeland Security

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